Why trains are better than horses

  • On a long train journey you get free coffee. When was the last time a horse gave you free anything?
  • The DLR is computer-controlled (in principle – it has human drivers as a redundancy measure). Effectively, then, you get to ride in a big steel robot. Can you ride a robot horse?
  • If you’re poorly and in a train, you can do a poo in the toilet and a sick in the sink at the same time. Can you do either of those things conveniently while riding a horse, let alone simultaneously?
  • You can be a train enthusiast and all you need is a bobble hat and a flask of weak lemon drink. To be a horse enthusiast you need vast tracts of land and pots of money.
  • Trains with faces (e.g. Thomas the Tank Engine) are creepy, but at least they don’t exist. Horses have creepy faces and they exist in real life! Fuck!
  • Trains don’t pretend to be nice and then bite you. Trains may be cold, unthinking metal, but they don’t hide it.
  • A horse goatsed at me once. No hands, but it scratched its bum on a post and pulled its ringpiece open & showed its shitpipe. Dirty horse. A train’s never done anything like that to me. I did find a train with a sick in it once, but I just moved to another carriage.

Why horses are better than trains

  • You can eat them.
  • You can make glue out of them.

I don’t like horses.