It’s amazing because the few somewhat useful tips are adrift in a sea of dross, which gives a fascinating insight into a world I find unrelatable: over-engineered solutions to things nobody thought was a problem, inconsiderate bastard advice from people who think that scoring a petty victory over the letter of the law is better than following the spirit, and other things of no use to man nor beast. Fuck it.How is this better than cooking hot dogs in a pan of water? Your coffee maker is going to smell of sausages now. Is this in an office kitchen, where there’s no hob? Then use the microwave instead of skanking up your colleagues’ coffee with pig brine. What the arse? Who thinks like this? Fuck it, just run through stop signs and cause an accident and claim it’s fine because some underpaid road worker didn’t have time to affix a poxy sticker to the sign. Fuck it, just squirt salt water into a big electric machine. There’s no way this can possibly go wrong. Petty theft and ruining things for others is great. Is this a frequent occurrence? Having maple syrup but no jam? Also, note how weak this advice is. If you’re out of a sweet sandwich spread, use a different sweet sandwich spread.
Also, that’s some minging-looking peanut butter. That is a cunt’s sandwich if ever I saw one.This is deliciously vague. It doesn’t tell you anything about rubbing direction (an important consideration when cleaning optical discs) or what to clean it off with afterwards. Note the ‘fix’. Not ‘clean a dirty DVD’, ‘fix a DVD’. DVD broken in half? Fuck it. Banana. Who has just one half of a broken toy and doesn’t throw it away? Note the implication that it has to be a ‘dino butt’. No other toy animal half will do. When do you use this? If you’re at home, you can find a dozen other things that will work just as well. If you’re out and about, are you really going to carry a plastic stegosaurus bum in your handbag?
A lot of good lifehacks come from the realisation that tools are aggregates of properties rather than being locked in to only one task. This ‘hack’ technically follows this pattern but in a way that spectacularly misses the point of everything.Fuck it, nick a public service and drive prices up for everybody else. Or not, as the lack of existing postmark means this won’t even work, you fool. …What? Is this an American thing? Life hack: Be an obscenely rich bastard. Fuck it. Drill holes in an old tree and put candles in it. Fuck it. Set your fucking hand on fire. Fuck it. Set everything on fire. Or you could just take the fucking lid off, you imbecile. Fuck it. Just eat off a fucking phonebook, you greb. A wad of non-absorbent paper with lead-based ink and crumb-catching binding is so much better than a paper towel. Stop it. The Young Ones weren’t supposed to be role models. I hate it when milk everywheres. Fuck it. Just punch a fucking bear. This is an impenetrable sphere of wrong.
The friendzone doesn’t even exist, bellwhiffer. It’s what used to be called ‘unrequited love’. It’s a dicksprout term that shifts responsibility to the person being desired, rather than the one desiring. The rest of the ‘hack’ is just ghastly pop psychology. ‘Excessive emotionality’? What a horrible way to regard being human.Fuck it. Be a guffbeak to your friends.
How is this supposed to work? Won’t your friends notice that their ice cubes have got foreign objects in them? Also, is the picture meant to demonstrate this process (if so, who puts ice cubes in a bottle?) or is it just a stock ‘this is what Coke and Mentos looks like’?Oh, get fucked sideways. Fuck it. Steal a fucking car parking space from someone who actually fucking needs it, you massive helmet.
If you steal a disabled space and you haven’t literally got someone in your car with a severed artery or an emerging baby, you are a twathammer supreme. But, y’know, fuck it. Make someone with pins in their spine walk a few hundred metres because you can’t be arsed. You may be technically above the law but you won’t be technically above people keying your car and smearing dogshit under the door handles. Fall face-first into a water buffalo’s fanny, you shit-eared fuckbox. I hate you.Fuck it. Build a relationship based on petty lies.
This is why you got friendzoned, you useless buttery fart.Why would your fingers get messy? Are you some sort of biscuit idiot? Or you could just not eat like a fucking greb. You’ve run out of clean plates and have resorted to eating off the phone book. Now you’re out of bowls too. Better stop putting off the washing up. Nah, fuck it. Just do something only slightly more dignified than wearing a nosebag.
I hate you all.