Alien versus Predator is a bag of wank

I have just been reminded about this film’s gobshite existence and am cross. AvP isn’t even ‘so bad it’s good’. It’s just BAD. It’s a real shame, because individually the (first half of the) Alien franchise and the Predator franchise are brilliant.

When people talk about the Bechdel test, and say ‘don’t forget, just because a film passes the test doesn’t necessarily mean it’s a good film’, AvP is what they’re talking about.

First, we have the cradle of human civilisation being fucking Antarctica, because apparently it was warmer back then.

NO IT FUCKING WASN’T.

By the time humans evolved, Antarctica was already too far south and much too cold for human habitation. This is a magnitude of error of several hundreds of millions of years!

The earliest human civilisation was a mix of Mayan, Egyptian and something else I can’t remember because this film was so shit.

WHAT THE PANTSPISSING FUCK?

Then we have the trope of ‘ancient humans couldn’t have built pyramids, aliens must have done it’.

A PYRAMID IS THE EASIEST FUCKING THING YOU CAN BUILD.

Then “the Mayans used base 10, right? So the pyramid must change every ten minutes!”

WHAT?! WHAT?! WHAT?!

AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAARGH!!!!

Fucking fuck! Western culture uses base 10 too, but we don’t set everything to work in ten-minute increments, because that would make fuck-all sense. Furthermore, why would the Mayans have used European minutes? For actual fuck’s sake.

Also, there’s a jackass penguin in the film. They don’t live in Antarctica and aaaaaaAAAAARGH everything about this film is WRONG.

If you liked Alien v Predator you are so wrong it actually makes you a bad person.

The only good thing about AvP is that it’s a sci-fi (-ish) film with a black woman protagonist. We need more of those; about 80% of Hollywood protagonists are white men, which is boring and rubbish. But AvP is so terrible I bet Sanaa Lathan fucking hates it and urps a sick on your shoes if you try to get her to talk about it.