How to change the case on a computer

Open packaging. You can do this – the hard part (putting the heatsink on the CPU without breaking the motherboard) is already done. All you’re doing is transferring parts. Easy.

Find the sachet of little bits. Wonder why there are so many screws. Puzzle over free tiny cock ring. Oh, that’s what it’s for. NB: do not discover what it’s for until after you have plugged in all the wires.

Remove hard drives from old case. Attempt to shove into every bay possible in the new case because they aren’t labelled. Realise they are labelled, just in tiny writing. Put them in properly.

Remove DVD drive from old case. Put it in bay in new case and let it get stuck halfway. Get crosser and crosser when it won’t pull out or push in any further. Eventually get it slid into place after many utterances of ‘dicks dicks dicks dicks dicks.’

Remove graphics card from old case. Place on anti-static mat for later. Make sure to put it somewhere it will get in the way and cause maximum annoyance while you work.

Begin unplugging the PSU wires from the mobo. They will all come out except the ones which are fastened on a spot nowhere near any risers. Decide not to risk pulling too hard and cracking the board, and to transfer the PSU and board in one go.

Put risers into new case. Worry when you can’t remember which type your board is out of the four sets of labelled holes. Consult motherboard box. It doesn’t say. Arse. Flick sight between two cases trying to decide which pattern of holes best fits.

Precariously transfer PSU into new case with one hand while supporting motherboard with the other. Begin screwing motherboard into place, feel sense of relief when holes match up with risers.

Realise motherboard’s faceplate is still in old case. Arse. Pop out faceplate, unscrew motherboard again, and try to insert faceplate with one hand while supporting mobo with the other. Additional ‘dicks dicks dicks dicks’ may be deployed if faceplate is particularly sproingy. Screw motherboard back in.

Bring out box from wardrobe of super ultra mega horsekiller graphics card purchased 2 years ago but never used because old case was too wee. Unpack new graphics card and realise that although new case accommodates it, the card won’t work with the motherboard because the latter’s SATA connectors are in the way. Fucksocks. Put away huge graphics card and go back to current one. Sigh.

Begin reinserting PSU wires into motherboard. Feel smug about labelling them all as they were removed. Worry about that one you didn’t label because you thought it obvious enough where it went. Now it’s not.

Time to plug in the wiring from the new case. Case fan is easy. Hard bit is all the teeny tiny wires that go into the JFP1. Discover writing on the motherboard is way too tiny to read without natural light. Wait until daytime tomorrow (too boring) or use laptop to look up diagram for your motherboard. Find your motherboard’s manufacturer no longer has that one on its website. Find diagram of most similar one and hope it’ll do.

JFP1 should be easy enough now, just be sure to get + and – right way around. Oh god, the wires don’t say + and -. They say ‘triangle’ and G. What the fuck is triangle?! Use laptop again, ask the internet. G is ground, it turns out, and therefore negative. Still wonder what the fuck the triangle is about.

Now do much the same for JFP2. Realise there is no JFP2 labelled on motherboard. Use diagram again to find it. Worry about leftover ‘HD audio’ wire even though your PC has no HD peripherals.

Turn on PC to see if it needs anything else before new case is reassembled. It doesn’t turn on. Fuck shit wanker tit bum. That motherfucking JFP1 must be all wrong- realise that PSU is turned off for safety. Be impressed at own safety consciousness and turn it back on.

POST, boot, GRUB, OS – success! Turn back off and begin to put case side plate on and reconnect all peripherals. Have more trouble putting back together allegedly tool-free case than anything else so far.

Turn back on to enjoy PC again. SHITFUCK! THE CUNTING MONITOR’S DIED NOW! Realise that its power light doesn’t even come on, and push dislodged power cable back in.

There. That was easy. Nothing to it. You are a motherfucking PC genius.

Originally published July 2011.