I’m feeling racially persecuted because of a condiment

You know how people say ‘cellar door‘ is the most beautiful phrase in the English language?

It’s not. It’s ‘I’m feeling racially persecuted because of a condiment.’

This glorious sentence was reported by the Edinburgh Evening News as being uttered by a Mr Tony Winters, who was incensed to discover that Edinburgh chip shops charge extra for tomato sauce. Apparently this is ‘racist’ against Glaswegians. There’s nothing about this story I don’t like. That one sentence is magnificent and perfect and I love it. It’s beautiful.

Of all the ways he could have phrased how he felt, he chose that one. He could have said ‘I felt as though I was being made fun of for being Glaswegian.’ That could well have been true – maybe the chip shop owner made fun of him. I don’t know, I wasn’t there. He didn’t simply say ‘I’m feeling racially persecuted because of this.’ Stripped of context, that sentence could be the apt commentary to millions of possible events. But he had to go and include the source (ho) of his anguish, conveniently encapsulated for our reading pleasure. It’s a delightful microcosm.

Say it. Take it in. It’s a flawless, brilliant sentence.

I’m feeling racially persecuted because of a condiment.

I want it written in the sky. I want it as the UK’s national motto (nobody cares about your droit), I want it on our passports, I want it in our anthem. Hell, I want it as our anthem.

Top 10 English phrases/sentences:

  1. I’m feeling racially persecuted because of a condiment.
  2. Cellar door
  3. Gushing bumpipe
  4. Grease my egghole with your seed.
  5. Colossal pillar of wasp eggs
  6. Onion ring pole
  7. Accidentally kicked a frog down a hill
  8. Budgies live above a Budgen’s
  9. Kinetic octopus drink
  10. Copped a dong in the gob