Pooey videogames

Videogames are one of the best things ever (and are more or less the main subject of my blog). Poo is one of the funniest. Sometimes these two things occur together. Here’s a list, more or less in ascending order, of pooey pixelated perfection.

Wario Master of Disguise (DS, 2007)

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One of the minigames has you unite falling objects with their correct containers, including a poo into a loo. Wario himself gains a guff attack in Super Smash Bros. Brawl.

Persona 4 (PS2, 2009)

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One of the personas your character can summon is Belphegor, a demon of sloth. Developer Atlus chose to depict him as a horned demon sitting on a toilet, and his attack animation makes it pretty obvious he’s pooing. Persona 4 also averts the lack of toilet-needing common to games (and films) – your party member Yosuke spends much of the first dungeon level frantically looking for a toilet, and is eventually forced to wee in a corner.

Ratchet & Clank 3 (PS2, 2004)

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Sewer levels are a videogame staple, which is why this list doesn’t simply include every game with one. R&C3 gets in because the sewers are not only probably the biggest level, but are populated by giant slime beasts that drop poo crystals. A plumber buys them off you because he wants them for a necklace for his wife.

A Dog’s Life (PS2, 2003)

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You can briefly relieve the tedium of this insipid game by having Jake lay a dog-egg, and then pick it up and even throw it at humans. Boringly, no-one screams in disgust at this – or shows any indication of giving even the tiniest shit. Jake also guffs copiously if he eats bad food.

Black and White (PC, 2001)

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Having to deal with poos is unsurprising in an sim game that involves animals. The fact that your creature is taller than a house is. You can instruct your animal avatar to pick its tonne-turds up, and then throw them or eat them.

World of Warcraft (PC, 2004)

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WoW has a number of poo-related quests, the funniest of which is probably Doing Your Duty: an Alliance-only quest to take a laxative and shit out some seeds you were weren’t supposed to have eaten. There are sound effects. They’re even different from your character’s standard I’ve-been-hit grunts, implying the screams of horrified agony were recorded specifically for this quest. After you turn in the quest, it’s implied that this isn’t the first time this has happened – i.e. you ate seeds that have already been through a previous adventurer’s cornhole.

WoW also has /fart, /burp, /nosepick and /moon emotes, but unfortunately not /poo. (Tip: make a macro to couple Chained Essence of Eranikus (don’t tell me you handed the damn thing in!) with a /fart emote.)

Okami (PS2, 2007)

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In Okami, you play as the goddess Amaterasu reincarnated in the body of the wolf Shiranui. Appropriately, you can wee and poo on enemies to make them drop rare items. The game politely refers to the moves (Golden Fury and Brown Rage) as ‘insulting’ your enemies.

Space Station Silicon Valley (N64, 1998)

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In this game by the studio that would eventually become Rockstar North, you assume control of various robot animals. Among these are rats who have an exploding poo attack.

Conker’s Bad Fur Day (N64, 2001)

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One of the bosses is the Great Mighty Poo, who lives in Poo Mountain.  As you fight him, he sings operatically about poo, and flings jobbies at you.

Conker’s Bad Fur Day would probably win the title of pooiest game in existence, if not for…

Toilet Kids (TurboGrafx, 1992)

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A Japan-only release for the TurboGrafx, Toilet Kids was a shoot-em-up versus jobbie-flinging enemies. Among these are poos who throw poo at you. My word.

Bonus list:

These games are rather toiletty – unfortunately, hilarious though wees and guffs are, they aren’t poos. In no particular order.

Team Fortress 2 (PC, 2007)
One of the sniper’s attacks is called ‘jarate‘. It’s a jar full of wee.

Abe’s Exoddus (PSone, 1998)
Though Exoddus wasn’t quite as polished as its predecessor, Oddysee, the cover price was almost wholly justified by the fact that one of Abe’s new moves was an exploding fart. Abe can drink a tin of semi-lethal Soulstorm Brew, trump, possess his trump, and fly it somewhere and explode it.  You can also use (non-exploding) farts tactically to make your allies move one step away – much quicker than a ‘follow me’/’wait’.

DJ Boy (arcade, 1987)
In the original Japanese version, one of the bosses was a woman with a guff attack. The US version changed her appearance to make her less of a a racist caricature (good), but, boringly, bowdlerised her attack into doughnut-throwing. Boo!

Postal 2 (PC, 2003)
You can piss on people, which causes them to urp a sick in disgust. This is probably the least offensive thing about this game, which ended up banned in Australia.

The Sims (PC, various from 2001)
Toilets are a not unexpected artefact of a life simulation game. The Sims, however, is remarkable for being probably the only game in which you can kill someone by surrounding them with toilets.

How to be a Complete Bastard (ZX Spectrum, 1987)
Based on Adrian Edmondson’s book of the same name, Bastard places you in the role of a party guest, whose objective it is to be wankerish to the other guests. There’s a fartometer with which you can clear the room.

Leisure Suit Larry (various from 1987)
The series is more known for its sexual themes (such as a wanking minigame) than anything else, but features some amount of trumps &c. The 2004 release Magna Cum Laude includes a weeing function for reducing Larry’s drunkenness.

Samurai Shodown (Neo Geo, 1993)
One of the character Earthquake‘s moves is a guff. In fact, guffs seem to be something of a staple in fighting games. (Note that Earthquake gains ‘better graphics on the fart’.)

Fur Fighters (Dreamcast, 2000)
Toilets in games are unremarkable by themselves. Fur Fighters’ get a mention because they’re GIANT toilets (used by dinosaurs).

Duke Nukem Forever (multi, 2011)
The trailer makes a thing of the fact that you can do massive pisses. Informs @TummyCustard: “It may restore “ego” (health) but the game was so boring that I honestly can’t remember.”

Super bonus time!

I didn’t bother with indie/browser games, because there are probably loads and would be worthy of a list in their own right. Here’s one to start you off: Don’t Shit Your Pants