I’m feeling racially persecuted because of a condiment

You know how people say ‘cellar door‘ is the most beautiful phrase in the English language?

It’s not. It’s ‘I’m feeling racially persecuted because of a condiment.’

This glorious sentence was reported by the Edinburgh Evening News as being uttered by a Mr Tony Winters, who was incensed to discover that Edinburgh chip shops charge extra for tomato sauce. Apparently this is ‘racist’ against Glaswegians. There’s nothing about this story I don’t like. That one sentence is magnificent and perfect and I love it. It’s beautiful.

Of all the ways he could have phrased how he felt, he chose that one. He could have said ‘I felt as though I was being made fun of for being Glaswegian.’ That could well have been true – maybe the chip shop owner made fun of him. I don’t know, I wasn’t there. He didn’t simply say ‘I’m feeling racially persecuted because of this.’ Stripped of context, that sentence could be the apt commentary to millions of possible events. But he had to go and include the source (ho) of his anguish, conveniently encapsulated for our reading pleasure. It’s a delightful microcosm.

Say it. Take it in. It’s a flawless, brilliant sentence.

I’m feeling racially persecuted because of a condiment.

I want it written in the sky. I want it as the UK’s national motto (nobody cares about your droit), I want it on our passports, I want it in our anthem. Hell, I want it as our anthem.

Top 10 English phrases/sentences:

  1. I’m feeling racially persecuted because of a condiment.
  2. Cellar door
  3. Gushing bumpipe
  4. Grease my egghole with your seed.
  5. Colossal pillar of wasp eggs
  6. Onion ring pole
  7. Accidentally kicked a frog down a hill
  8. Budgies live above a Budgen’s
  9. Kinetic octopus drink
  10. Copped a dong in the gob

Fuck it

I’ve discovered an amazing blog called Lifehackable. (Not to be confused with Lifehacker, which is a fairly useful mostly-software blog.)

It’s amazing because the few somewhat useful tips are adrift in a sea of dross, which gives a fascinating insight into a world I find unrelatable: over-engineered solutions to things nobody thought was a problem, inconsiderate bastard advice from people who think that scoring a petty victory over the letter of the law is better than following the spirit, and other things of no use to man nor beast. Fuck it.

hot dog

[Image: some hot dogs cooking in the pot of a coffee maker. Text: World’s simplest hot dog cooker.]

How is this better than cooking hot dogs in a pan of water? Your coffee maker is going to smell of sausages now. Is this in an office kitchen, where there’s no hob? Then use the microwave instead of skanking up your colleagues’ coffee with pig brine.

stop

[Image: The backs of two Stop signs. One has a sticker on the back, the other does not. Image text: Check local stop signs for this. You are not legally obliged to stop at this sign (without sticker). You are legally obligated to stop at this sign (with sticker).]

What the arse? Who thinks like this? Fuck it, just run through stop signs and cause an accident and claim it’s fine because some underpaid road worker didn’t have time to affix a poxy sticker to the sign.

soda

[Image: a montage of drink vending machines. Image text: Squirting salt water in the coin slot of a soda machine is said to create an electrical current that will result in free soda dispensing.]

Fuck it, just squirt salt water into a big electric machine. There’s no way this can possibly go wrong. Petty theft and ruining things for others is great.

syrup

[Image: Sliced bread with peanut butter and maple syrup on it. Image text: If no jelly is available for a PB&J, use maple syrup instead. Just as delicious.]

Is this a frequent occurrence? Having maple syrup but no jam? Also, note how weak this advice is. If you’re out of a sweet sandwich spread, use a different sweet sandwich spread.

Also, that’s some minging-looking peanut butter. That is a cunt’s sandwich if ever I saw one.

banana

[Image: Someone rubbing a cut banana onto the silver side of a DVD. Image text: Use a banana to fix a DVD.]

This is deliciously vague. It doesn’t tell you anything about rubbing direction (an important consideration when cleaning optical discs) or what to clean it off with afterwards. Note the ‘fix’. Not ‘clean a dirty DVD’, ‘fix a DVD’. DVD broken in half? Fuck it. Banana.

butts

[Image: A mobile phone propped up by the posterior half of a bisected toy Stegosaurus. Image text: Dino butts can help your phone stand up.]

Who has just one half of a broken toy and doesn’t throw it away? Note the implication that it has to be a ‘dino butt’. No other toy animal half will do. When do you use this? If you’re at home, you can find a dozen other things that will work just as well. If you’re out and about, are you really going to carry a plastic stegosaurus bum in your handbag?

A lot of good lifehacks come from the realisation that tools are aggregates of properties rather than being locked in to only one task. This ‘hack’ technically follows this pattern but in a way that spectacularly misses the point of everything.

sender

[Image: A ‘return to sender’ postmark. Image text: You can send letters for free by putting the recipient’s address in the return address.]

Fuck it, nick a public service and drive prices up for everybody else. Or not, as the lack of existing postmark means this won’t even work, you fool.

loo

[Image: a women’s loo sign. Image text: When your GF tells you she needs to use the restroom, it means she has been waiting to an hour to tell you. Find one immediately.]

…What? Is this an American thing?

yacht

[Image: Deck of a yacht with a home cinema system. Image text: Movie theatre yacht.]

Life hack: Be an obscenely rich bastard.

tree

[Image: a length of tree trunk with holes bored in it for tea lights.]

Fuck it. Drill holes in an old tree and put candles in it.

spray

[Image: Someone’s hand on fire. Image text: You can spray bug spray on your hand and light it on fire without actually burning your hand.]

Fuck it. Set your fucking hand on fire.

dandelion

[Image: a burning dandelion clock. Image text: If you light a dead dandelion on fire, it turns into a colourful fireball.]

Fuck it. Set everything on fire.

ice cream

[Image: a cardboard ice cream pot that has been sawn in half vertically. Image text: Personal ice cream bowl.]

Or you could just take the fucking lid off, you imbecile.

phone book

[Image: An open phonebook. Image text: Making a sandwich and don’t feel like using a plate? Use a phonebook. Spill mayo on it? Tear the page off. Hundreds of paper plates for free.]

Fuck it. Just eat off a fucking phonebook, you greb. A wad of non-absorbent paper with lead-based ink and crumb-catching binding is so much better than a paper towel. Stop it. The Young Ones weren’t supposed to be role models.

milk

[Image: Someone pouring milk into cereal by pouring the cereal onto the back of an upturned spoon. Image text: How to make sure milk doesn’t everywhere [sic].]

I hate it when milk everywheres.

bear

[Image: A brown bear. Image text: If a brown bear attacks you, play dead. If a black bear attacks, punching it in the nose will make it flee. Noise also scares bears away.]

Fuck it. Just punch a fucking bear.

twaddle

[Image: Close crop of two people conversing. Image text: You’re friendzoned because women construe your excessive emotionality as feminine and needy. Women want you to feel secure in your masculinity.]

This is an impenetrable sphere of wrong.

The friendzone doesn’t even exist, bellwhiffer. It’s what used to be called ‘unrequited love’. It’s a dicksprout term that shifts responsibility to the person being desired, rather than the one desiring. The rest of the ‘hack’ is just ghastly pop psychology. ‘Excessive emotionality’? What a horrible way to regard being human.

coke

[Image: A bottle of Coke erupting mightily. Image text: Prank your friends by freezing Mentos in ice cubes and making time bomb soda.]

Fuck it. Be a guffbeak to your friends.

How is this supposed to work? Won’t your friends notice that their ice cubes have got foreign objects in them? Also, is the picture meant to demonstrate this process (if so, who puts ice cubes in a bottle?) or is it just a stock ‘this is what Coke and Mentos looks like’?

disabled

[Image: A disabled car parking space. Image text: A handicapped parking spot needs a sign to be valid. If it just has a wheelchair painted on the ground, you can legally park there.]

Oh, get fucked sideways. Fuck it. Steal a fucking car parking space from someone who actually fucking needs it, you massive helmet.

If you steal a disabled space and you haven’t literally got someone in your car with a severed artery or an emerging baby, you are a twathammer supreme. But, y’know, fuck it. Make someone with pins in their spine walk a few hundred metres because you can’t be arsed. You may be technically above the law but you won’t be technically above people keying your car and smearing dogshit under the door handles. Fall face-first into a water buffalo’s fanny, you shit-eared fuckbox. I hate you.

card

[Image: A greeting card with a red rose. Image text: When buying a romantic card, select two. Then write the inscription from Card A into Card B and pretend you can write sweet things.]

Fuck it. Build a relationship based on petty lies.

This is why you got friendzoned, you useless buttery fart.

biscuit

[Image: Someone using a fork to dip an Oreo biscuit in a glass of milk. Image text: Dunk Oreos with a fork so your hands don’t get messy.]

Why would your fingers get messy? Are you some sort of biscuit idiot?

pizza

[Image: Some people eating pizza out of boxes, with the boxes arranged with the lid acting as a bib. Image text: The pizza bib.]

Or you could just not eat like a fucking greb.

nosebag

[Image: Someone wearing a hoody backwards, with the pulled-down hood full of popcorn. Image text: Easiest snack pouch ever.]

You’ve run out of clean plates and have resorted to eating off the phone book. Now you’re out of bowls too. Better stop putting off the washing up. Nah, fuck it. Just do something only slightly more dignified than wearing a nosebag.

I hate you all.

Big Bang Theory is a barrel of festering spunk

I caught the last 10 minutes of a Big Bang Theory episode once. This is meant to be comedy? It’s excruciating. Is it harsh to judge an entire programme on the basis of the tail end of one episode? Probably. Is BBT even more embarrassingly unfunny than Friends? Definitely. Here’s what I saw:

Woman A doesn’t have a boyfriend. Woman B says something like ‘if it gets too much I can show you some female stress-relief techniques I’ve perfected over the years.’ Ho ho, that is mildly funny because she is talking about wanking. That should be the end of the joke.

However! Then she says ‘Do you have an electric toothbrush?’ This is labouring the joke and making it unfunny. The first bit was potentially funny, in a ‘what did you think I meant, it is you who is rude’ way. The next line makes it sledgehammer obvious.

Later, Woman B says ‘we can always go to CVS and get you an electric toothbrush’ returning to the unfunny joke that should have stopped. Then ‘I call mine Gerard’. Stop. You are labouring the joke far, far, beyond the point when it was (potentially) funny. Woman C, after a beat, says ‘That’s kind of creepy’. Stop adding ‘punchlines’ after a joke has ended. Yes, the lady likes to stick toothbrushes in her foof. That is the end of the joke. Now stop.

I bet the people who find BBT funny have to show each other the Viz every time they get a joke and say ‘that funny cos the man done poo.’

(Credit goes to Lingmops for supplying the title of this post.)

Unfortunately, the antelope wasn’t a dik-dik

About a year ago, I saw on Fur Affinity* someone’s drawing of a dog-man inserting an antelope-man into the urethra of his enormous dong.

And I thought that was great.

It wasn’t the image itself; that’s not relevant to my interests at all. But that one picture has stuck in my mind, above all the odder/scarier ones I’ve seen on FA before and since, because when I saw it it suddenly and so utterly brought home to me the realisation that no matter how odd your fetish, the internet’s got you covered. I don’t want to see ungulates shoved down giant cocks myself, but I think it’s just brilliant that the internet can bring people together that way.

Imagine if you did have a fetish for dog-people pushing other animals up their dicks. Without the internet, what would you do? You’d have to draw it all yourself, wouldn’t you? Even if, say, your neighbour liked it too, how would you find out? Because how do you bring that up in conversation? But thanks to the internet, you can just search for ‘anthro cock vore’ and find works by people who are just like you!

Because of this, I found myself oddly elated at the the sight of a picture that was so unsexy to me that it made me mingecringe. I hope you found someone else who enjoyed your artwork, anonymous ungulates-in-massive-penises artist.

*An art gallery site that focuses on furry/anthro, notorious for allowing upload of just about any art that isn’t child porn or hate speech, and whose userbase does very little to demolish the popular stereotype of furries.