I don’t really need WordPress for what I want to write. I’ll just leave the existing posts up to preserve links.
You know how people say ‘cellar door‘ is the most beautiful phrase in the English language?
It’s not. It’s ‘I’m feeling racially persecuted because of a condiment.’
This glorious sentence was reported by the Edinburgh Evening News as being uttered by a Mr Tony Winters, who was incensed to discover that Edinburgh chip shops charge extra for tomato sauce. Apparently this is ‘racist’ against Glaswegians. There’s nothing about this story I don’t like. That one sentence is magnificent and perfect and I love it. It’s beautiful.
Of all the ways he could have phrased how he felt, he chose that one. He could have said ‘I felt as though I was being made fun of for being Glaswegian.’ That could well have been true – maybe the chip shop owner made fun of him. I don’t know, I wasn’t there. He didn’t simply say ‘I’m feeling racially persecuted because of this.’ Stripped of context, that sentence could be the apt commentary to millions of possible events. But he had to go and include the source (ho) of his anguish, conveniently encapsulated for our reading pleasure. It’s a delightful microcosm.
Say it. Take it in. It’s a flawless, brilliant sentence.
I’m feeling racially persecuted because of a condiment.
I want it written in the sky. I want it as the UK’s national motto (nobody cares about your droit), I want it on our passports, I want it in our anthem. Hell, I want it as our anthem.
Top 10 English phrases/sentences:
- I’m feeling racially persecuted because of a condiment.
- Cellar door
- Gushing bumpipe
- Grease my egghole with your seed.
- Colossal pillar of wasp eggs
- Onion ring pole
- Accidentally kicked a frog down a hill
- Budgies live above a Budgen’s
- Kinetic octopus drink
- Copped a dong in the gob
It’s amazing because the few somewhat useful tips are adrift in a sea of dross, which gives a fascinating insight into a world I find unrelatable: over-engineered solutions to things nobody thought was a problem, inconsiderate bastard advice from people who think that scoring a petty victory over the letter of the law is better than following the spirit, and other things of no use to man nor beast. Fuck it.How is this better than cooking hot dogs in a pan of water? Your coffee maker is going to smell of sausages now. Is this in an office kitchen, where there’s no hob? Then use the microwave instead of skanking up your colleagues’ coffee with pig brine. What the arse? Who thinks like this? Fuck it, just run through stop signs and cause an accident and claim it’s fine because some underpaid road worker didn’t have time to affix a poxy sticker to the sign. Fuck it, just squirt salt water into a big electric machine. There’s no way this can possibly go wrong. Petty theft and ruining things for others is great. Is this a frequent occurrence? Having maple syrup but no jam? Also, note how weak this advice is. If you’re out of a sweet sandwich spread, use a different sweet sandwich spread.
Also, that’s some minging-looking peanut butter. That is a cunt’s sandwich if ever I saw one.This is deliciously vague. It doesn’t tell you anything about rubbing direction (an important consideration when cleaning optical discs) or what to clean it off with afterwards. Note the ‘fix’. Not ‘clean a dirty DVD’, ‘fix a DVD’. DVD broken in half? Fuck it. Banana. Who has just one half of a broken toy and doesn’t throw it away? Note the implication that it has to be a ‘dino butt’. No other toy animal half will do. When do you use this? If you’re at home, you can find a dozen other things that will work just as well. If you’re out and about, are you really going to carry a plastic stegosaurus bum in your handbag?
A lot of good lifehacks come from the realisation that tools are aggregates of properties rather than being locked in to only one task. This ‘hack’ technically follows this pattern but in a way that spectacularly misses the point of everything.Fuck it, nick a public service and drive prices up for everybody else. Or not, as the lack of existing postmark means this won’t even work, you fool. …What? Is this an American thing? Life hack: Be an obscenely rich bastard. Fuck it. Drill holes in an old tree and put candles in it. Fuck it. Set your fucking hand on fire. Fuck it. Set everything on fire. Or you could just take the fucking lid off, you imbecile. Fuck it. Just eat off a fucking phonebook, you greb. A wad of non-absorbent paper with lead-based ink and crumb-catching binding is so much better than a paper towel. Stop it. The Young Ones weren’t supposed to be role models. I hate it when milk everywheres. Fuck it. Just punch a fucking bear. This is an impenetrable sphere of wrong.
The friendzone doesn’t even exist, bellwhiffer. It’s what used to be called ‘unrequited love’. It’s a dicksprout term that shifts responsibility to the person being desired, rather than the one desiring. The rest of the ‘hack’ is just ghastly pop psychology. ‘Excessive emotionality’? What a horrible way to regard being human.Fuck it. Be a guffbeak to your friends.
How is this supposed to work? Won’t your friends notice that their ice cubes have got foreign objects in them? Also, is the picture meant to demonstrate this process (if so, who puts ice cubes in a bottle?) or is it just a stock ‘this is what Coke and Mentos looks like’?Oh, get fucked sideways. Fuck it. Steal a fucking car parking space from someone who actually fucking needs it, you massive helmet.
If you steal a disabled space and you haven’t literally got someone in your car with a severed artery or an emerging baby, you are a twathammer supreme. But, y’know, fuck it. Make someone with pins in their spine walk a few hundred metres because you can’t be arsed. You may be technically above the law but you won’t be technically above people keying your car and smearing dogshit under the door handles. Fall face-first into a water buffalo’s fanny, you shit-eared fuckbox. I hate you.Fuck it. Build a relationship based on petty lies.
This is why you got friendzoned, you useless buttery fart.Why would your fingers get messy? Are you some sort of biscuit idiot? Or you could just not eat like a fucking greb. You’ve run out of clean plates and have resorted to eating off the phone book. Now you’re out of bowls too. Better stop putting off the washing up. Nah, fuck it. Just do something only slightly more dignified than wearing a nosebag.
I hate you all.
I caught the last 10 minutes of a Big Bang Theory episode once. This is meant to be comedy? It’s excruciating. Is it harsh to judge an entire programme on the basis of the tail end of one episode? Probably. Is BBT even more embarrassingly unfunny than Friends? Definitely. Here’s what I saw:
Woman A doesn’t have a boyfriend. Woman B says something like ‘if it gets too much I can show you some female stress-relief techniques I’ve perfected over the years.’ Ho ho, that is mildly funny because she is talking about wanking. That should be the end of the joke.
However! Then she says ‘Do you have an electric toothbrush?’ This is labouring the joke and making it unfunny. The first bit was potentially funny, in a ‘what did you think I meant, it is you who is rude’ way. The next line makes it sledgehammer obvious.
Later, Woman B says ‘we can always go to CVS and get you an electric toothbrush’ returning to the unfunny joke that should have stopped. Then ‘I call mine Gerard’. Stop. You are labouring the joke far, far, beyond the point when it was (potentially) funny. Woman C, after a beat, says ‘That’s kind of creepy’. Stop adding ‘punchlines’ after a joke has ended. Yes, the lady likes to stick toothbrushes in her foof. That is the end of the joke. Now stop.
I bet the people who find BBT funny have to show each other the Viz every time they get a joke and say ‘that funny cos the man done poo.’
(Credit goes to Lingmops for supplying the title of this post.)
About a year ago, I saw on Fur Affinity* someone’s drawing of a dog-man inserting an antelope-man into the urethra of his enormous dong.
And I thought that was great.
It wasn’t the image itself; that’s not relevant to my interests at all. But that one picture has stuck in my mind, above all the odder/scarier ones I’ve seen on FA before and since, because when I saw it it suddenly and so utterly brought home to me the realisation that no matter how odd your fetish, the internet’s got you covered. I don’t want to see ungulates shoved down giant cocks myself, but I think it’s just brilliant that the internet can bring people together that way.
Imagine if you did have a fetish for dog-people pushing other animals up their dicks. Without the internet, what would you do? You’d have to draw it all yourself, wouldn’t you? Even if, say, your neighbour liked it too, how would you find out? Because how do you bring that up in conversation? But thanks to the internet, you can just search for ‘anthro cock vore’ and find works by people who are just like you!
Because of this, I found myself oddly elated at the the sight of a picture that was so unsexy to me that it made me mingecringe. I hope you found someone else who enjoyed your artwork, anonymous ungulates-in-massive-penises artist.
*An art gallery site that focuses on furry/anthro, notorious for allowing upload of just about any art that isn’t child porn or hate speech, and whose userbase does very little to demolish the popular stereotype of furries.